A lonely weekend

Flatting this year has been a great learning curve for me. But, one thing that I’ll never get use to is being lonely on the weekends when my flatmates go somewhere else.

This weekend was one of those lonely weekends. Sara left to visit her father for the weekend, Kaitlyn went with her friend somewhere and Anna went to Balclutha for the weekend for some reason. For one, I was actually kind of happy that Sara was gone – no more hearing her and her boyfriend at night. They’re back now and I am left so very jealous and sad, even more so than being alone on the weekend.

Lisa is back as well. I was hoping to finish my dinner before Sara and Lisa got back so I wouldn’t have to see Sara, but they came back earlier than I thought. I hate it, all I want to do is get Sara out of my head but I can’t. I want to try and avoid her, but I can’t. I want her as my girlfriend, but I can’t.

And here we go again, listening to her and her boyfriend in the room below mine. Every, single, night. Even now, I’m still looking for the non-existent flaws in their relationship.

I’ve mainly been just lifting weights, and wasting my time on the internet now. I have been trying to find something to study and prepare for next year, but no luck. So I’m left here just living life.

Domestic Violence – Husband Punches Wife in Retaliation

This video is over a year old, but it has been popping up on forums recently and when I first watched it, it really got my blood pumping. When I saw his punch to her face, I was furious – what husband would do that?

But upon reading the YouTube comments and realising that she tried to punch him first (0:29 into the video), I got thinking, who is actually in the wrong here?

Of course many people would argue that the husband should never hit his wife, since he is stronger and that’s what we’ve been taught in Western society. And there’s some others which say she deserved it because she tried to hit him first, and the people who believe this are usually looked down upon. That’s just the norms of which Western Society has convinced us to believe.

Personally, I believe she was in the wrong. We’ve been conditioned too much to believe that a man should never hit his wife, but why? If she didn’t make the first strike, then yes he’s wrong. But she tried to punch him first. So why are so many people still conditioned to believe that he’s wrong? Because he’s stronger?

Imagine, a smaller weaker man making the first punch to a larger man. Who’s wrong now? Clearly the smaller man, because that’s what we’ve been taught to believe. The only difference is that in this scenario, it’s a man and not a woman making the first strike. They’re both weaker and smaller, but just on the sheer fact that one is a woman makes it unacceptable?

It is true that women are generally physically inferior to males, but what about the smaller/weaker males? If you see the situation in a purely right/wrong sense, then it comes down to this: a smaller person tries to punch a bigger person in an argument, but the smaller person gets punched in the face. Ignoring the feminist views and what we’ve been taught as acceptable in society, it’s clear that although the bigger person shouldn’t have punched the smaller person in the face, the smaller person kind of deserved it since he made the first strike.

The true victims in this are the kids that had to watch all of this – my parents always argued and fought, and I hated it. Sometimes I’d do crazy things to piss off my parents and make them angry at me instead of each other.

Not getting views on WordPress, but I get likes/followers?

This has always confused me from the moment I started on WordPress, I’d get followers and likes, but when I check the statistics of web traffic, I see that no-one has visited my blog. Weird huh?

I don’t fully know how WordPress works, but this is telling me that people aren’t actually visiting my blog or reading it, rather they’re just going through the WordPress search bar, typing in a common tag subject, and then going through each and every post and just clicking “like” or “follow” on it. There might be other methods of seeing my posts as well without going onto my actual blog, but I know that it doesn’t show the full content of the posts I write. The only way to see the full blog post is to go onto my blog page, but since I get little to no views, I know that people like/follow my blog without actually reading the content.

But why? To increase the spread of their own blog of course. When I saw people liking my posts, I instinctively looked through their blog, thinking, if they liked what I wrote, maybe I’d like what they write. Well, their plan worked, by liking my post on my blog, they got me as a viewer to their blog.

So now, the popularity of my blog will be based off how many unique visitors I get and not how many likes and followers I have.

The Boredom After Exams

It has been 2 days after my university exams finished, and I am very much bored and lonely.

Almost all my flatmates are gone, and the only flatmate left is Sara which spends all her time with her boyfriend, leaving me alone at in the flat. I haven’t really made any friends at university, and so I spend my days in solitude.

I do not wish to go back home to my parents, I dislike their company and cannot forgive them for my upraising. Plus, ever since we moved to out of Hastings, I now no longer have a room at my parents house. So I’d prefer to stay here in Dunedin at the flat, but I must say this loneliness is starting to become unbearable.

Since exams are over, I have decided to do some things in my life a bit differently. For starters, I have slept on the ground at the top of the stairs the last 2 nights (so that I don’t have to hear Sara and her boyfriend), and it’s been horrible but apparently it’s meant to be good for you, and although I can only get a few hours of sleep a night, I feel… different. I’ll guess I’ll eventually get use to sleeping on the ground. And no shampoo, my hair feels more oily, but a lot less frizzy. There’s a few other things, but I’m implementing the slowly and will continue them for a few weeks to see if it changes anything.

I will be lifting weights every second day, which will be the highlight of my days here after exams. I don’t have anything else to do, except maybe get ahead and study now for my papers next year. I usually try to avoid staying here at the flat, so that I’ll have less chance of running into Sara and her boyfriend. Of course the only place I can really go is the Central University Library, and I don’t really have anything to study anymore, so I waste my time just mindlessly browsing the internet.

My friends… well, I don’t really have any friends and so I’m very much alone in everything I do.

Second semester exams over!

I’m so relieved at the moment, all 4 of my exams are over and done with.

Having finished 2 exams just today, I am exhausted. My brain really needs to relax and I need to have a few days just to myself and relax. I can’t believe the academic year is over already; it only seemed like yesterday that my flatmates were moving in.

These are my predicted marks for my exams: Biochemistry A-, Differential Equations A+, Epidemiology A-, Linear Algebra A+. Of course these are what I’m guessing I got and what I’m hoping I got, but you can never be sure.

Now of course there’s the question of what do I do with my time? I have 2 months before summer school, mind you, and I still haven’t decided on a flat for next year. After my exams, I went to Starbucks and met some potential flatmates for a flat on Grange Street, but it’s still undecided. They were nice people, seemed quite social, and I like being in a social flat although I may seem like somewhat of an antisocial person.

Looking for the non-existent flaws in their relationship

The tough thing about having feelings for your flatmate is that you can never completely forget about them and try and move on with your life, because you see them every single day.

With me, I thought I would move on faster with the news that Sara had a boyfriend. I wish it were that simple. Having him come around and stay every night, living in the room above her and hearing them at night, I unwillingly try to seek out the flaws in their relationship, the flaws in him, or any flaw that might indicate that they may break up.

I don’t know why I do this, as it seems so selfish of me and I know that I’m looking for the flaws that aren’t there. Every tiny detail I notice that might indicate a gap in their relationship and my brain will start to over think it. The fact that he seems less social. He doesn’t help her clean after they finish cooking dinner together. He always wants to go back to her room instead of stay in the lounge. I’m well over thinking this aren’t I? Why can’t I focus on my studying instead of all of this!

When I was a younger, I use to watch a lot of movies where the main character (a kid) develops an attachment to a stray animal, and then at the end they must ‘set it free’ because that’s what’s best for it. I never understood it until now. Sara’s happy with her new boyfriend, and I should be glad that she’s happy. I mean, if I truly cared about her, then shouldn’t I be glad that she’s with someone that makes her happy?

Even though in my mind I know the flaws aren’t there in their relationship yet, since they just got together, I still spend quite a lot of my focus in finding those non-existent flaws. I do it without meaning to, and to be honest, a lot of the time I try to avoid them so that I don’t have to deal with the pain and don’t have to act relatively ‘normal’ around them while trying to cover up my heartbreak.

The reason why I know that the flaws are non-existent is because I hear them laughing at night. I can’t hear what they say, but I can hear them talking and laughing, meaning they’re enjoying each other’s company very much. I have so much regret – that could have been me in her room, if only I’d admitted my feelings for her earlier.

The day before my exams

It’s Monday morning, and this time tomorrow, I will be doing my first exam for the semester.

I’m not as stressed out as I thought, but at the moment I just woke up and I’m still really tired, but I know I won’t be able to sleep again. Not until tonight anyway. Maybe that’s another form of exam stress.  With all of this, I thought I might try something different and start meditating. I spent about 10 minutes sitting there, listening to ambient low frequency sounds designed for meditation, and I’ll admit it made me feel a bit calmer, but I guess it wasn’t as effective as I expected.

I’ve been studying 4 months for this – didn’t go out, didn’t party, didn’t drink. Just full on study most of the time, and yet I’m still so unsure about whether I will get A+ or not. There’s still so much I haven’t revised! Of course I need to get mostly A+’s to maximise my chances of getting into Med School, but in the groggy state that I’m in at the moment, I feel like my brain just isn’t kicking into gear.

What’s worse is that I have all my exams really close together – Biochemistry tomorrow, Differential Equations on Wednesday, and then Epidemiology and Linear Algebra on Friday. Barely enough time to read through my notes and then the next exam will hit me!

I know I have spent a lot of my time thinking about Sara and getting jealous of her new boyfriend, and I regret that so much now. I mean, I still think about her a bit, but what can I do about it? Her boyfriend comes over every night. I live in the room above them. I tell them to be quiet but I can still hear them past midnight.

I’m not in the best of situations, and to be honest, I just want to escape and go somewhere else.